Lisa Cholodenko, a critically acclaimed  out filmmaker who is known for making Ally Sheedy play a talented but hopelessly addicted photographer in “High Art” and for having Francis McDormand (almost) seduce Kate Beckinsale in “Laurel Canyon”, has made another movie. So far so good.

The movie is about a lesbian couple who has been together for almost 20 years and who raise two kids together almost as if it was the most normal thing in the world. As Dorothy Snarker describes it in her review: “They live a happy upper middle-class existence with a nice house and Volvo SUV.” So far even better.

Now add to that the fact that the couple is played by two Oscar-nominated actresses called Annette Bening and Julianne Moore, and you would think that all the lesbians in the world would squeal with glee, wouldn’t you?

Nic (Annette Bening, left) and Jules (Julianne Moore)

Well, they aren’t. Because during the course of “The Kids Are All Right”, one of the lesbians sleeps with a man.

I have to admit that when I first read about this particular element of the storyline, I was disappointed. Another lesbian who goes back to sleeping with men? How original. But then I read the first review of the movie, and it was full of praise. As was the next one, and the one after that, and almost every review I have read so far, and not just in mainstream publications like the New York Times, but even on specifically lesbian websites like Velvetpark and AfterEllen.

And then I started to read the comments posted under those reviews, and the discussions about the movie on Twitter, and – oh my!

I did expect lesbians to take offence at one of the women sleeping with a man. Anyone who knows a thing or two about lesbians and claims to not see the political aspect of this part of the movie or doesn’t expect a lesbian backlash is naive. (Sorry Lisa Cholodenko, but that’s how I see it.) But I’m utterly bewildered by how this discussion is taking place, by the intensity of the arguments and by the vehemence with which people condemn and dismiss a movie which – and that, to me, is the most incomprehensible part – the vast majority of them haven’t even seen!

And that’s when I started to ask myself: What are we so scared of?

One of the main complaints about this movie is that the filmmaker sold out to win over a mainstream, especially male audience, and that this mainstream audience will get the impression that it only needs the right man to turn every lesbian straight – a stereotype that most lesbians were confronted with and had to struggle against for ages. Would it be harmful for the lesbian community and its struggle for acceptance, if that was in fact the case? Yes, it would. Is it in fact the case? I have no idea, because I haven’t seen the movie. But the majority of those who have seen it tell me it’s not, so for now, I decide to take their word for it.

Another argument I have read is that in general, female homosexuality isn’t taken seriously, and that, by having the lesbian sleep with a man, the movie diminishes lesbian sexuality – lesbians don’t sleep with men, or they aren’t lesbians. Period.

First of all, I don’t think that it’s just female homosexuality and lesbian sexuality that is not taken seriously, it’s women and their sexuality in general. Also, I initially got the point of saying that a “real” lesbian would never sleep with a man. It’s what we have been trying to tell people for ages when being confronted with the above mentioned stereotype (“it only needs the right man”), and it’s what lesbians generally define themselves by.

But when I read this argument over and over again, the exclusivity expressed in this statement made me cringe, and I suddenly started to wonder if it’s not actually us and this line of argument that doesn’t take our own sexuality seriously. We prefer to love and sleep with women, that’s why we define ourselves as lesbians, but as grown-ups, we are free to love and sleep with whomever we choose, and if one day that’s a man, it should be up to us whether we will stop defining ourselves as lesbians or not.

Last but not least, an argument that actually saddens me is that American lesbians – especially the one who made the movie as well as the ones who wrote positive reviews about it – just don’t get it. Silly me, here I thought that lesbians all over the world have to deal with the same stereotypes. I didn’t expect this to be a “Who is the better lesbian” contest.

As I have mentioned before, yes, it does bother me to know that one of the lesbians in the movie sleeps with a man, and I think that it is important to point out the possible impact a storyline like that can have and to have a discussion about that storyline, the movie in general and how the lesbian characters are being portrayed. I just wish that people would actually go and WATCH THE MOVIE before condemning it.

And I wish that lesbians would finally stop being so scared, but instead be out, proud and self-confident and realize that nobody can take that away from us unless we let them.

Lisa Cholodenko, a critically acclaimed  out filmmaker who is known for making Ally Sheedy play a talented but hopelessly addicted photographer in “High Art” and for having Francis McDormand (almost)...