My friend Anna* is in love. Which is great, because she’s a sweet girl who has gone through a lot lately and deserves to be happy again. And she seems very, very happy right now.

As her friend, I’m of course curious and can’t wait to get to know the woman who won her heart. And here’s the catch: Officially, I’m not even supposed to know about her. Anna’s girlfriend doesn’t want anybody to know about the relationship, because she’s not “out”.

A few years ago, I had a conversation with another friend of mine about whether we would consider a relationship with someone who isn’t “out”. His response was simple and clear: “No way.” Back then, I was surprised by the forcefulness of his reaction. Now, a few years and some not so good experience later, I can understand him much better.

The process of coming to terms with your sexuality is a very personal one and not always easy. Everybody should be able to take the time they need, nobody should be forced to come out of the closet before they’re ready to do it.

But then again, nobody should be forced to stay or even go back into the closet, either. And that’s exactly what happens when you’re in a relationship that your girlfriend doesn’t want anybody to know about. You’re forced to keep silent about it, maybe even lie about it. And believe me, if the woman you just had a very good time with starts to panic the minute she gets out of your bed and tells you “Nobody must know!”, it doesn’t actually make you feel very good. Or, to be more precise: It sucks!

Of course, as always, things aren’t just black or white. There are various reasons why a woman might want to keep her relationship with another woman a secret. For example, to me, if she knows what she wants (which is me and only me!) but is not ready to come out just yet, it seems easier to deal with than if, for whatever reason, she rules out coming out altogether. In the former case, it’s just a matter of time before we can be open about the relationship. In the latter case this time will most likely never come.

Also, how we deal with a situation like that depends on where we are in our life. I have been out for more than a decade now, and being forced to go back into the closet would be unbearable for me. My friend Anna, however, just came to terms with her sexuality herself and isn’t out to a lot of people yet. She and her girlfriend now have the chance to take their baby steps out of the closet together.

Which I hope they do sooner rather than later. Not just for Anna and her girlfriend’s sake, but also for mine.

Otherwise, I might just burst with curiosity.

*For obvious reasons, I had to change Anna’s name. The title of this column refers to the song “Secret Love” by Doris Day.