Yesterday, on my way to work, I stopped at my favourite coffee shop and was delighted to see my favourite barista. She greeted me with a big smile and when she handed me my coffee, we smiled at each other again. It was a knowing smile, like we were both saying: “I know that you are, too, I got you on my gaydar”.

A few months ago, someone asked me what I thought about German newscaster Dunja Hayali – is she or isn’t she a lesbian? I have to admit that I had to google her first, but even when I saw a picture of her and remembered having seen her on TV, I couldn’t tell for sure. After last weekend, we all know that she is, but even before that, a lot of people were sure that she was, only by looking at her. Some even went so far as to promise to eat a broom if it ever turned out that she wasn’t. Luckily for them, this time their gaydar – or lesdar, as some call it – worked better than mine.

But how could they tell, and why am I so sure about that cute barista? What was it that made us think so? The short hair? A lot of straight women have short hair nowadays, too, and a lot of lesbians don’t. Their voices? Yes, nice and dark in both cases, but again, there are a lot of straight women with great voices. Their posture, look, overall appearance? How does the so-called gaydar work, if there is something like a gaydar at all? And if I couldn’t tell with Dunja Hayali (or Lindsay Lohan or Portia de Rossi for that matter), does this mean my gaydar is broken and needs to be fixed?

I do think that there is something like a gaydar, and Wikipedia agrees with me; there’s even a study that seems to prove it. But still, it’s different for everybody and not something every gay person eventually has to have or something is wrong with them.

In my opinion, it’s a collection of things, a mixture of intuition, experience and close observation. Also, it depends on how out you live your life and how many lesbians you have met so far. The more lesbians you have met, the more signs you will be able to discover, just like a very experienced salesperson is able to estimate your size just from looking at you.

Even before I came out, I sometimes had the feeling that there was something special about certain women that I saw on TV. For example, I could never imagine Ellen DeGeneres to be with a man. When I started watching her show in 1994, a few years before I came out, I didn’t know anything about her private life because I didn’t have internet access yet and there were no reports about her in the German press. Once, I read the name “Vance DeGeneres” in the credits, and wondered who he might be, but quickly decided that there was now way he could be her husband (he’s her brother, by the way). It was the same with Ulrike Folkerts and Jodie Foster – seeing them with men just felt weird.

Today, I still get this feeling sometimes that another woman might be a lesbian, but I’ve added a much more conscious approach to it. There are certain things I look for to either prove or disprove my first impression. One woman once told me that for her, it’s the shoes that give it away and the way a woman walks. For me, it’s also the hair, the hands (especially the fingernails ) and the way she responds when I look at her. If she looks back into my eyes for just a split second too long, that’s it, I rest my case.

Of course I’ve been wrong before. For example, I always had this feeling about “Sporty Spice” Mel C., and I wasn’t the only one. But it only lasted until I saw her on stage for the first time. She looked great, her performance was awesome, she rocked the house – and afterwards I was certain that she wasn’t a lesbian. I can’t tell you why, it was just a feeling – again. Now she’s pregnant and set to marry, and I’m pretty sure that she didn’t get pregnant just to dispel the rumours.

My point – and I do have one – is again that everybody is different, even lesbians. Some might have a pretty good gaydar, some just brag about it without having a clue, and some just don’t have one. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them, it only means more trial and error and hits and misses. But that’s what life is all about, isn’t it?

As always, I’m curious – do you think that you have a gaydar? And how can you tell whether a woman is gay or straight? Write a comment and let me know.

(Posted on eurOut on Oct. 25th, 2008)